There were some really tough moments I had to power through during the wedding weekend, but ultimately it was just the other side of the coin.  Yes I had moments where I wanted the Boy with me, but not who he is now.  Who he was when I loved him.  Who he was when he… Continue reading Feeling Lighter= Free to Fly

I’m in Temecula.  It’s the night before my cousins special day.  She’s getting married to an awesome, hilarious, friendly man.  I’ve known since February that I would come down but I might not make it to the wedding.  The idea of watching two people make vows to one another, when mine meant nothing, hurts my… Continue reading When Memories become Enemies

I’ve been avoiding writing for a while.  I keep thinking about things I want to say and get off my chest and I’ve even spoken them aloud as if to burn it in my brain for later recall.  Mostly, though, I’ve been reading and waiting. The last 10 days have been an interesting roller coaster.… Continue reading The Eve Before Treatment

3-22-17 Today’s gut punch: Finding a creative writing club booklet that has my married last name on it.  Taking on that name was huge for me and it wasn’t easy.  I really struggled with my identity and battled against the intellectual vs. culturally emotional expectation of name changing.  I had thought Boy would empathize with… Continue reading The Day Before the Hole Got Deeper I was My Own Cheerleader.

When I first wrote the title I did not use the word damn.  I used a much stronger, more adequate expletive.  But I changed it.  I’m censoring myself in case someone ever does read this, but you know what?  The hole just got a whole lot fucking deeper. I had a miscarriage the night of December… Continue reading The hole just got a whole lot damn deeper.

Have you ever felt a thing but you had no idea what it was?  Have you ever felt that mysterious thing so pervasively you actively tried to figure out?  My problem is that I’m feeling so many pervasive things at once that I have the added challenge of unweaving (yeah, not a word and I… Continue reading Owning My Part in the Pain

Have you ever lay stomach down on the ground while a friend held your arms high in the air, waited, then slowly brought them down?  There’s a moment when it feels as if your arms are somehow passing through the ground and into a hole.  If it’s done just right, it seems like a hole… Continue reading The View From the Bottom of “Approximately Happy”