There were some really tough moments I had to power through during the wedding weekend, but ultimately it was just the other side of the coin.  Yes I had moments where I wanted the Boy with me, but not who he is now.  Who he was when I loved him.  Who he was when he wasn’t being an awful human toward me.  The man whose eye’s I looked into and planned my future with.  When I think of who he really is, now that I’ve seen his true colors, I’m relieved that I was free from his needs.

My family has always been a haven for me- a refuge, a home, a place to know who I am and where I belong in the world.  Since my world has been turned upside down I’ve had the chance to wake up and notice how special that really is.  Many people, if not most, do not have the same feeling with their family that I have.  I’m incredibly lucky.  I didn’t have to worry that he was getting offended, I didn’t have to worry that he was getting bored, I didn’t have to worry that he was uncomfortable or feeling tired, I didn’t have to worry about trying to please him and cater to his needs while on a vacation with family.  Now that I think about it, it really is so much easier to relax without him.

I suppose that’s a part of my “fixer” personality.  Somewhere along the way I set the precedent that it mattered to me how he was feeling and that I would allow him to make it my fault/duty instead of letting him be an adult and figuring that stuff out on his own. A couple of weeks ago when I thought like that it had me feeling like a fool.  A blind fool.  Now…not so much.

Maybe this is just a good day and something will hit me yet again (like when he recently reported my phone stolen instead of contacting us to get it moved off his account).  For now, though, I feel…lighter.  I’ve been reading like crazy, reflecting and writing like crazy, and even meditating in various forms like crazy.  All of it has helped.  Each day takes me a little bit farther away from him and that old life.  I’m starting to get the hang of my “new normal” and am finding my way back to being alone.  I used to be alone all the time. I had never had a serious relationship before the boy and we didn’t start dating until I was 25.  That’s a fair amount of prime time to have practiced being alone.

It’s sort of fun to fall back into being alone.  I love the freedom of being myself and dividing my time between my many hobbies.  When I was with the boy, we always just did stuff together.  I really didn’t get much alone time.  Now don’t get me wrong, I really love companionship and miss being really close to one person, but who wants that if it also comes with feeling lonely while lying next to the person you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with?  None of what I miss about being in a relationship is worth feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, being blamed for everything, being made to feel like the bad guy when I try to say that something’s wrong or when I share a feeling he doesn’t like.  Being alone is a million times better than those stomach sinking feelings you get right before you know something’s about to become a fight. Ugh.  I don’t miss that at all.

I walked into my room today and took a deep breath.  It smells good in my room- it smells like home.  I have beautiful mini altars that display things I’ve collected or items that used to belong to some of the people I’ve loved most.  These things seemed like clutter and trivial when I was with the Boy but the truth is, I really love them.  I love the memories attached to them and I think they bring earth and beauty into the home.  I don’t know why I didn’t honor myself more with the Boy.  Perhaps because I was moving into his space and even after getting married I made sure that when I made his house our home, I made it ours.  I was always conscientious of what the Boy would like or not like.  But here in this space, there is only what makes me feel better and I love it. I miss it.

In the end he would say things like, “I gave you a room” because the house had two extra rooms and I commandeered one to be my art room.  For a time, it was mine but it was strange to have only one room that felt like mine when we were married.  Anyway, enough of that.

Today was my third chemo injection.  I feel like we’re all starting to get the hang of it now- me, mom, the nurses.  They take my blood right before the injection but it takes a couple of days before I get my hCG results so today I got my results of the blood they took just before my second injection.  My levels went from 49,000 to 16,000 which is fabulous news.  In a couple of days they’ll have tested today’s blood and I can find out how much the second injection affected these haywire cells.  I’m holding onto hope that the methotrexate will be enough to get my numbers down to zero.

I also got an e-mail today from Washington University in St. Louis detailing the next steps to prepare for our classes this summer.  I am so excited! I never would have looked for this program if I was still with the Boy.  It wouldn’t have occurred to me.  But here I am, accepted and excited to learn more biology and apply new strategies into the classroom.

Speaking of classroom, I received my final evaluation.  While the observer had nothing but good things to say, I just kind of assumed that, given the structure of it, I would be getting a bunch of satisfactories.  Much to my surprise I was given two commendables and two exemplaries.  How wonderfully validating to hear him say, “Satisfactory is the bare minimum a teacher can do.  It’s clear by your room, your enthusiasm, and your rapport with your students that you do a whole lot more than the minimum.” Oh how I’ve been needing to hear this.  Since the miscarriage I haven’t really been as into my teaching like a good teacher should be.  I’ve learned to give myself a little slack in that arena, since I’ve- you know- kind of been through a lot lately.  I’ve been getting better though.  I can feel myself getting pulled back into the lessons and playing more with my students.

I can’t say yet that I’m through the darkest part of this whole process, but I know I’ve had a lot of victories lately, a lot of love lately, a lot of support, and a lot of fun.  These things don’t just disappear when you’re down.  They’re like little tendrils of rope swaying in front of you and you have to grab them and pull yourself up if you’re done being down.

I’m done being down.

-Rope-grabbing Self