3-22-17 Today’s gut punch:

Finding a creative writing club booklet that has my married last name on it.  Taking on that name was huge for me and it wasn’t easy.  I really struggled with my identity and battled against the intellectual vs. culturally emotional expectation of name changing.  I had thought Boy would empathize with my struggle but he couldn’t.  He understood it intellectually but emotionally could not understand where I was coming from. Instead, he had a visceral (negative) emotional response to my struggle.  It became a huge point of contention that I was even questioning hyphenating to get used to name changing.  We could never talk about that issue safely.  He didn’t have the tools to actually figure out why he was feeling the way he did and he certainly couldn’t communicate it if he didn’t even know why he was feeling it.

So I see this little book and I’m sucked into the vortex of memories and emotions from accepting and embracing that name.  Now, that name is not mine.  Now, that name is going to be gladly given to someone else.  I don’t know what hurts more- that fact that I finally embraced it and now it’s gone or the fact that he doesn’t have to go through anything as hard as I did and am still going through.  I didn’t get pregnant by myself but I sure as hell have to pay for all these bills by myself and I’m the one that has to face a Gestational Trophoblastic Tumor.  For him , his wife lost a baby but he’s left her and that’s the end of it for him.  

“Unfair, unfair, unfair” my mind whispers quietly in the background of every thought to move on.  So much of our relationship seems unfair.  Now we have no relationship and things still seem unfair.  I still have to do (and pay for) doctor visits because of complications related to my miscarriage.  He wasn’t there for my surgery, though I think he wanted me to want him there.  I was still too hurt.  If you’re going to be there, show up and support someone, then it should always and not just when you want to.  That’s just my opinion though.

“Remembering that shame is the fear of disconnection- the fear that we’re unlovable and don’t belong-makes it easy to see why so many people in midlife over-focus on their children’s lives, work sixty hours a week, or turn to affairs, addiction, and disengagement.  We start to unravel.  The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.”

-Brene Brown

I want to “learn how to stand in my worthiness” and not prevent myself from connection.  I want to just accept that Boy is not what I thought and never could be.  I want to accept that I made a huge mistake and knew it was probably a mistake while I was choosing it.  I want to accept that I felt that it was part of my journey to make that choice even if it did turn out to be a mistake.  The hard part now, is accepting I did that to myself.

“If we’re going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light.  To set down those lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave.  To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.” (Brown again).

Sometimes I picture aspects of myself like little characters.  Right now, the me that is most appropriate for going through normal, everyday life with is crushed and detached from all the others.  She’s hurt and oscillating between numb and overly wrought with emotion.  The aspect of me pushing her way through is the protective one, the strong one.  The one with the armor and spears, lookin’ like Brienne from Game of Thrones but with brown hair and Braveheart face paint, inspiring the crowd that they “will never take our freedom!”  

She has some choice words about the Boy and what he did and how I’m letting it get to me.  She also has her own opinion about moving forward.

“FINALLY!” She bellows with relief.  “I always knew you deserved better than what he was giving you!”

I take a deep sigh, “Well, that’s probably not the best way to feel during a relationship. Don’t you think those kinds of thoughts contributed to the problem?  Besides, he’s not a bad person, he just didn’t have the ability to give me what I needed.”

She throws her arms skyward, “Who cares!?”  Pointing at me she says,  “That’s not your problem anymore- that’s his problem and the next girl’s problem.  We’re free now, so let’s back on track!”

Great.  More flack from inner me.  “Back on track?  When did we get off track?”

She narrows her eyes at me and her voice takes on an edge. “When you picked the Boy and stopped listening to me!” A large smile quickly replaces  her disapproving face, “We can find the right guy now.  We can find a real man now.”

That jolts me to a boundary I’ve made with myself and I say sternly. “Hey! That’s really crappy.  He’s a real man in his own right, he just wasn’t what I think a real man should be to himself or his wife.  He’s got stuff to work out, but let’s not write him off just because I’m hurt and have my own ideas of what a real man is.”  I cross my arms over my chest.  (I can fight with myself all day- I’ve had tons of practice).

She shrugs her shoulders. “Doesn’t matter now.  We need someone worthy of your devotion.  We need someone who will see who you really are and love all the bits.  We need someone who is loyal and loves your loyalty, someone who is genuine and loves your genuineness, someone who is intelligent and funny, someone who knows how to be happy and share joy.  We can start looking for the person who stands taller because of your love and can move you to want to be the best version of yourself.  Someone you can be proud of because of their support and strength and someone who doesn’t mind being vulnerable to you.  Someone who sees that you show up and that you work hard.  Stop dicking around with those old emotions and let’s move forward already!” (Okay, maybe not quite the Braveheart motivational speaker…).

I am moved by her confidence in who we are but I’m also the pragmatic one.  “Thank you, that sounds great.  However, I really need to sit in those old emotions and figure them out- where they came from, how they developed, why they developed.  I can’t skip the hard part.  I’ve got to be in the best possible place with myself if I want to find someone who’s in their best place.  Do you really want to pick another broken boy?”

Her lip curls. “Hell no.  All other aspects agree, you’re not allowed to do that again.” Her hand sweeps a cutting motion in front of her.  “Period.  Never again.  Ever.”

I’m smiling at her reaction.  “Alright, then it’s settled.  We stew a little while longer until all aspects are ready to move forward.  I won’t lie to you.  It’s gonna suck and it’s going to be slow going.  Sometimes we’ll feel like we’re really moving along and then something’s going to slam into us and knock us back.  Are you ready for that?”

“Well, if it means we can finally get what we’ve always wanted and worked toward, then hell yes.  We’re ready.  Bring it on!”

Deep down, I really do know that the Boy was not what I needed and, barring a total self-awakening on his part, can never be what I really need.  I just have to let that go. I just have to accept the unfairness of the relationship, that my love was not enough to make him love himself, and that he’s already with someone else.  I am old cow (thanks Ashley Judd) and he’s with new cow.  New cow “gets” him.  Not like old cow.  Old cow made him feel small and unworthy and unloved.  New cow makes him feel like he’s amazing.  He may be madly in love right now and that person may turn out to be his forever girl and they may have babies and live happily ever after.  Maybe they won’t.  

The point is that it really doesn’t matter.  I am no longer attached to him and he is no longer attached to me.  Our lives no longer cross paths in any way.  What happens to him, how he feels, what he does- none of that is my concern anymore.  Those are things I can just relinquish.  He made that choice and so can I.  I, too, can choose to let it all go.  My life is mine now and I get to decide who will get my love, my loyalty and devotion, my support, my humor, my body, my future, my strength, my genuineness, my kindness, my sense of adventure, my stability, and my joy.  I’m not perfect- no one is.  But I know that I have some really great qualities and someone out there is just aching for what I can easily offer because it’s who I am.  

Those are the random thoughts  I want cheering me on in the background while I struggle to let the past go.  I know things will get better because I’m making the choice each hour to make sure they’re better.  I am tenacious and I am strong.  I am getting through this to something better.  I know it.  The next person I really choose is not only going to be worthy of my love they’re going to be easily capable of loving and supporting me because that’s just who they are.  And to that next guy, I want you to know this: I’m going to love the shit out of you!

-All aspects of Self.